How are you supposed to respond to that question. People keep asking me as if I should have figured it all out, as if there was a word to describe the past three months in a way that will allow them to understand what it was like. But the truth is there isn’t. At least not yet.
I am having a very difficult time processing this whole experience. Back at home I have not fallen in to or out of any sort of routine--I’m just here. I have had the blessing of catching up with friends, spending time with family, making my own meals, getting enough sleep without waking up in the middle of the night. But there is still something that is gripping my soul. Something I can’t explain. I feel stretched between two opposite worlds--stuck inbetween. Life in Jos: a life of no deadlines, welcoming faces, unpredictable electricity, and trying to fit in. Life in Fresno: a life of schedules, phone conversations, shopping malls, and trying to fit in. I so desire to be a part of both, and yet I so desire to get away from both. Why can’t I make up my mind? Why do I feel so at home and yet so foreign in both of these lands?
How am I supposed to feel, God? What am I supposed to do?
Jos just went through a very turbulent past few days after local elections brought out the worst in people. After a time of bloodshed, arson, and hateful words Biana has informed me that things are slowly going back to normal. People I know were affected by this bi-partisan calamity (thankfully I have not heard of any of my friends losing their lives over this madness) and because of that so was I. I grieve for my city from afar; so glad to not be there endangering my own safety and the lives of those around me by being such an easy target, yet so wishing I was there to be of some sort of comfort, truly experiencing the Nigeria I have grown to love. Someday there will be peace in Jos. I pray that the someday is sooner than we could ever think possible,
Fresno has its own issues. My fellow students are so burnt out of FPU. No one seems to be glad about being there. Sure it is finals time and papers drive people to the brink of disaster but there seems to be an extra sigh and shrug when our campus is brought up in conversation. Not to mention the jobs we all try to keep up with to pay for these ten-page assignments and due dates. The economy is bad yet I still see the Apple Store filled with customers purchasing hundred-dollar computer accessories and Urban Outfitters selling overpriced beanies to girls who want to look cute this winter. There is nothing wrong with technology or fashion, but is there something wrong with our spending? With our idea that buying things and acquiring the newest and latest will somehow make our lives better?
Have I become overly cynical? Too critical or judgmental? Depressed? Perhaps I have just been given something rare: the opportunity to see both sides.
My dear friend told me today that I have entered the state of grieving, whether I want to accept it or not, a state of mind that all who have followed God’s will and opened themselves up to the realities of life will endure. I know that joy comes in the morning. Through this all I will be able to forever hold on to the beauty and happiness and greatness that is our God and this world he has created.
I can’t wait.
